Monthly Archives: July 2008

Word of the Day: Bad Seed

 

I love the movie “The Bad Seed.” It’s a low-budget horror flick from the 1956 that stars a blonde, pig-tailed Patty McCormack as a homicidal maniac disguised as a sweet little girl.

The little girl bumps off anyone who crosses her: the kid who beat her at the spelling bee, the neighbor who complained when she bounced a ball in the hallway, the janitor in her apartment building, who suspected that she was evil. Naturally, this being the 1950’s, all the killing takes place discretely off-screen.

It’s probably not the best idea to show your kids this kind of film, because it can give them ideas. In fact, some of Patty McCormack’s moves have been embraced by my teenage daughter .

“I have the prettiest mommy,” the blonde demon would coo she stroked her mother’s concerned face. “I have the nicest mommy.”

Now, my daughter mockingly repeats these words to me – usually when she wants something – like the car keys or to wear my black shoes or she wants permission to go a MIT frat party. And it scares me so much to hear her mimic the Bad Seed, that I usually cave in and say “okay.”

“Okay, you can have the car. Okay, you can drive to the frat party. Yeah, you can wear my shoes. Just don’t kill me.”

I may indeed be the nicest mommy.

“But I want those shoes back in my closet and I want you home by 11:30,” I say, just so I don’t seem like a push-over.

“I do have the nicest mommy!”

“and Sweetie….” I warn her sternly ,“please drive carefully.”

My Kids are Bored!

 

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Word of the Day:Chill

We moved into our house almost fifteen years ago. When we moved in, we bought a GE fridge. I have hated that refrigerator for fifteen years. It’s a side by side and both sides are inadequate.

The vegetable drawers on the fridge side always come off the runners and freezer side is so narrow that a square frozen pizza box doesn’t fit inside. That means, when my son wants a frozen pizza, we have to go to the store and then come home and pop it in the oven right away – which kind of defeats the whole convenience of having frozen pizza. I mean, if you are going to drive to the store, you might as well drive to the pizza shop and get something that doesn’t taste like cardboard. Although my kids like the pizza that tastes like cardboard better than pizza that has actual toppings and  little green bits of oregano floating in the sauce.

Anyhow, imagine my delight when I came home yesterday and a brand new half gallon of milk was sour.

“The fridge isn’t working,” I said to my husband. “I think we’ll have to get a new one. After all, it’s fifteen years old.”

Harris cursed. Then, like a true handy man of the new millennium, went on line to try to figure out what to do. Muttering something about coils, he lay on the kitchen floor and issued orders. “Get me something long…a coat hanger…no, a barbecue skewer.” I stepped and fetched. “Do we have an old toothbrush? Can you get the vacuum?”

What he pulled out from under the fridge was appalling. If I had any pride at all, I wouldn’t broadcast to the world that my refrigerator coils were insulated with a thick coating of dog hair, cat hair, my husband’s former hair, dust, Cheez-It crumbs and the general filth of fifteen years of cooking, shedding and spilling. Ewwww….

Within an hour, the fridge had cooled to a chilly 34 degrees.

I wiped out the shelves. Then I went to the store to buy a fresh gallon of milk and a frozen pizza.

Read more in my book!

Read more here!

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Word of the Day – Diorama

Christie Brinkley’s nasty divorce from that cheating creep Peter Cook(what red-blooded man would cheat on Christie Brinkley?? She’s 54 and she looks incredible!) is finally settled. She got custody of the kids and he got $2.1 million dollars. A triumphant Christie left the courtroom clutching “an elaborate dinosaur diorama” that had been used as evidence to prove that she was a good mom.

Apparently, Christie helped her son construct the diorama for a science project. Now, I plead guilty to mucking up several of my kids’ dioramas. One in particular – a recreation of a scene from the book “My Side of the Mountain” – I commandeered until it was fabulous (it was even lit by a tiny flashlight from behind!) and bore no resemblance to my son’s original clumsy execution.

So, forgive me if I am a bit muddled. But it seems to me that if your kid is able to construct a dinosaur diorama on his own – that would be real proof of good parenting.

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Word of the Day: Live

My Kids are Bored!

Here’s my second in a series of appearances on New England Cable News. It’s live – which is frightening but it’s cable, which is reassuring.

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Word of the Day: Await

Get this. Angelina Jolie has checked into the hospital to await the birth of her twins. “It is not happening right away,” a hospital spokesperson said. Maybe she just needed some time away from  Maddox, Pax, Zaharra and Shiloh.  Maybe some time away from the brood is worth not being able to see Brad naked and eating hospital food.

Oh, wait. Angelina won’t have to eat hospital food.

She can await the blessed event while eating her vegan, candlelit meals.

I didn’t Regular people don’t get to check into the hospital  early. I was Regular people are told ” Come back when the contractions are three minutes apart.” “Let us know if your water breaks.”

Regular people get Jell-O. And they I like it.

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