Word of the Day: Trick

 

I am a huge fan of Halloween. I like it so much, that I even got married on October 31st. Being married – whether your anniversary is on Halloween or not – is very scary. There’s something about the “to death do us part…” that is as morbidly terrifying in the middle of June as it is on October 31st.

Bride of Frankenstein

Bride of Frankenstein

But with Halloween just a few days away, I want to talk about candy. Every year my kids come home with an assortment of candy. When they were younger, their post-trick-or-treating ritual involved sorting their candy into piles, trading M&Ms for Snickers bars and making note of which houses gave away stuff that wasn’t worth ringing a doorbell for.

Here’s the top ten Halloween “treats” that are most likely to get your house egged:

Raisins– Kids hate ‘em because they are not candy and dentists hate ‘em because they stick to kids’ teeth and cause cavities. It’s a lose-lose treat option for parents who want to suck all the joy out of Halloween.

Necco Wafers– Okay, they are my hometown candy, but they taste like Pepto Bismal and look like they’ve been sitting in the bottom of your bubbe’s pocketbook since the Great Depression.

Toothbrushes– The dentist in our neighborhood gives out toothbrushes with his name and office phone number printed on them. Shameless self-promotion that brands him as a grumpy kill-joy.

Erasers and Pencils – I know that some parents are troubled by the idea of their kid gorging on candy and so try to assuage their own feelings of guilt by passing out school supplies instead to the neighborhood kids. Yipee! A pencil!

Candy corn – Like the omni-present marshmallow peeps, candy corn is already stale when you buy it. It’s basically wax and it’s basically gross.

Little bags of cheapo candy – filling up little paper bags with cheap piñata candy is not only labor intensive, it is a complete waste of time because kids don’t want that crappy candy. It goes straight into the garbage.

Apples– Every year my kids come home with a couple of apples. Who gives away apples? Haven’t these people heard the horror stories of the hidden razor blades and LSD??? No parent is going to let their kid eat an apple from their Halloween bag. Nope, it goes right into the trash.

Change Handing out a few coins – a handful of pennies and a nickel is not only lazy, it’s cheap. Kids want candy on Halloween and you can’t buy anything with seven pennies and a nickel. It’s handy for the Unicef boxes, though.

Fun-Sized Candy – C’mon, how many kids do you really have come to your door? Would it kill ya to hand out a regular Hershey bar? When my kids come home with fun-sized bars, I end up eating three or four figuring that’s how many would make up one real candy bar.

 Gold Pirate Coins – This year’s recall of foil-wrapped milk chocolate coins, because of potential melamine contamination, is a real Halloween scare. But no great loss. They taste terrible. The chocolate doesn’t melt – it crumbles in your mouth and a little piece of foil always sticks to the back and sends shivers up your spine when it hits your fillings.

What am handing out to the trick or treaters who come to my door? All the stuff I hate. Candy corn, Necco wafers and little bags of cheapo candy. That way I won’t be tempted to eat the leftovers.

 

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