Word of the Day: _itch

It’s Live!

It’s me in a witch hat yammering about my big, creepy Halloween wedding, costumes and bad candy.

Word of the Day: Trick

 

I am a huge fan of Halloween. I like it so much, that I even got married on October 31^st. Being married – whether your anniversary is on Halloween or not – is very scary. There’s something about the “to death do us part…” that is as morbidly terrifying in the middle of June as it is on October 31^st.

Bride of Frankenstein

But with Halloween just a few days away, I want to talk about candy. Every year my kids come home with an assortment of candy. When they were younger, their post-trick-or-treating ritual involved sorting their candy into piles, trading M&Ms for Snickers bars and making note of which houses gave away stuff that wasn’t worth ringing a doorbell for.

Here’s the top ten Halloween “treats” that are most likely to get your house egged:

Raisins– Kids hate ‘em because they are not candy and dentists hate ‘em because they stick to kids’ teeth and cause cavities. It’s a lose-lose treat option for parents who want to suck all the joy out of Halloween.

Necco Wafers– Okay, they are my hometown candy, but they taste like Pepto Bismal and look like they’ve been sitting in the bottom of your bubbe’s pocketbook since the Great Depression.

Toothbrushes– The dentist in our neighborhood gives out toothbrushes with his name and office phone number printed on them. Shameless self-promotion that brands him as a grumpy kill-joy.

Erasers and Pencils – I know that some parents are troubled by the idea of their kid gorging on candy and so try to assuage their own feelings of guilt by passing out school supplies instead to the neighborhood kids. Yipee! A pencil!

Candy corn – Like the omni-present marshmallow peeps, candy corn is already stale when you buy it. It’s basically wax and it’s basically gross.

Little bags of cheapo candy – filling up little paper bags with cheap piñata candy is not only labor intensive, it is a complete waste of time because kids don’t want that crappy candy. It goes straight into the garbage.

Apples– Every year my kids come home with a couple of apples. Who gives away apples? Haven’t these people heard the horror stories of the hidden razor blades and LSD??? No parent is going to let their kid eat an apple from their Halloween bag. Nope, it goes right into the trash.

Change– Handing out a few coins – a handful of pennies and a nickel is not only lazy, it’s cheap. Kids want candy on Halloween and you can’t buy anything with seven pennies and a nickel. It’s handy for the Unicef boxes, though.

Fun-Sized Candy – C’mon, how many kids do you really have come to your door? Would it kill ya to hand out a regular Hershey bar? When my kids come home with fun-sized bars, I end up eating three or four figuring that’s how many would make up one real candy bar.

 Gold Pirate Coins – This year’s recall of foil-wrapped milk chocolate coins, because of potential melamine contamination, is a real Halloween scare. But no great loss. They taste terrible. The chocolate doesn’t melt – it crumbles in your mouth and a little piece of foil always sticks to the back and sends shivers up your spine when it hits your fillings.

What am handing out to the trick or treaters who come to my door? All the stuff I hate. Candy corn, Necco wafers and little bags of cheapo candy. That way I won’t be tempted to eat the leftovers.

 

Word of the Day: Target

Okay, by now you’ve probably heard that Sarah Palin’s wardrobe has cost the RNC over $150,000 for the past two months. That’s $2,500 a day!  Granted, she looks pretty terrific, if not entirely Vice Presidential. I mean who approved that red pleather (okay, maybe it’s real leather… but it looks like plastic) jacket?

I have just one word for the Governor.

TARGET

They  have a lot of really cute dresses that would look great on her. This one’s only $39.99

Word of the Day: WMD

No, I am not talking about Weapons of Mass Destruction. I am referring to World Menopause Day (sponsored by the International Menopause Society) which is tomorrow, Saturday, October 18th.  I know that I plan to celebrate by yelling at my kids for no good reason, turning down the thermostat, standing by an open window in my undies and by tossing my Jolene Cream Bleach into the trash.

Okay, I’m not there yet. How do I know? Because I checked the 34 Signs of Menopause. Don’t do this. It’s too depressing. Although #28- Electric Shock– sounds kind of cool.

Word of the Day: Blow

Okay, this is just about the worst toy I have ever seen.

It’s a toy leaf-lower that promises “realistic sound and blower action.”  Great. That’s what you need is your kid running around the house blowing the dust and the dog hair – especially if it sounds realistic.

Word of the Day: Broke

Why do catastrophes always happen in clusters?

My freezer no longer has the fajitas to keep ice cream cold – so the quart of hand-packed, high-fat, vanilla  ice cream I bought to serve over baked apples has become…well, just cream.

My son fractured his toe and can’t play soccer for at least three weeks (okay, this is not entirely bad).

The top row of bricks in the chimney of our old house finally gave up and fell off – necessitating a hugely expensive rebuild of chimney.

My dog has developed arthritis. He is unable to go up and down the stairs and I must carry the 41 pounds of mortified beast up to the bedroom, down to the laundry room then up to the kitchen…

He is scheduled to have doggie acupuncture on Tuesday. It’s not cheap and therefore I too, will be broke.